I'm very wise in the middle of the night. Between the hours of midnight and 4 am I seem to think a lot, too much in fact. I lay awake having conversations and pondering life when I should be sleeping. I write whole advice columns and self help novels. I tell my daughter all the things I want her to know, the parents of my students all the things I need them to hear and my husband exactly how I'm feeling.
Tonight as I lay my head down to sleep I started a conversation with my daughter. She's 12 years old. She's a great kid, I lucked out. She hates that I want to have so many discussions. They embarrass her. I'm rather frank. I know she thinks I'm crazy and only takes in maybe half of what I say, but I figure half is better than not saying anything. So, I start conversations in the middle of the night in hopes that I can streamline all my deep thoughts for her. Things like sex, love, marriage, and God. I've changed my opinion in those areas as she's grown up and I want her to understand my thinking. I also want her to understand my train of thought and why I've changed, but know it will come down to her choices and that's what is most important, she has choices. I won't be mad, eventually (let's be truthful, I'll have emotions), if she makes thoughtful choices.
Truthfully, the older I get the luckier I realize I am. I also realize what an odd duck I was and how right my parents were. Also, that by them being honest and talking to me, even though I didn't always follow what they said, I didn't always just rebel, I thought and often made choices. I didn't just run on instinct. I think the most frustrating thing for my mom about this statement must be that because of this I'm about as far away from the religion that I was raised in as she ever imagined I'd be. That's what's scary about being a parent, knowing yourself.
The older I get the more I think I change and the more I want to make life easier for my kids. If they'd only listen! So, whether they like it or not I trap them in the car where they can't escape and talk about things they wish I wouldn't bring up. I ask them questions they don't neccessarily want to answer, because as embarrassing as it is and as honest as my parents were I still think I have things to say that could make life easier for them.
I always struggle with the how much to say issue because I know there is so much I know because I had to learn it for myself. People used to say, "When you get older, married, have kids, etc., you'll get it" and I would get so angry. But they were right. Some knowledge comes from choosing and experiencing things. But, like you, I definitely want to prepare my kids with the tools to make those decisions. I feel like that is an enormous gift our parents gave us - the opportunity to choose young, to understand consequences, to feel respected, and understanding when we chose poorly. That's what I want my kids to have. And I mostly want them to know that they don't have to fit into some box or category - that they can have religious convictions, be passionate about social justice, think that conservatives get it right sometimes, and liberals others. That's where the real challenge comes in life, I think - not letting others define you.
ReplyDeleteYou know your mother's frustration doesn't come from the choices you've made, but why so late in life. I raised my children to have their free agency and I believe you are using yours. I just don't quite understand why now and I worry about the directions your children may choose.
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